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Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Diagnosis, Schmiagnosis

This is my brain. All the white spots are lesions...that's MS.
Two weeks ago today I received the shock of my life—I have MS.

Of course, I freaked out. I broke down and cried in the doctor's office and in the lobby of the doctor's building. I cried in Whole Foods while talking with my sister. I cried and drove. I wept on the phone to my daughter. I prayed and sobbed. I laid in bed and wept. Woke up, went to my knees and cried some more. But, I refused to let anyone else see me feel sorry for myself. I don't want to be perceived as anything but strong.

I am strong.

But, I cry. I come from a long line of criers. Most of my siblings and my parents cry easily. We're not a bunch of babies, we're just sensitive. I'm a sympathy cryer. If I even sense someone is on the verge of tears, I well up.

This crying has been different.

I'm in mourning for the life I thought I was going to have. I don't want to be considered sick. I'm crying for doing this to my family. Could I have prevented it? I cried for the scary stuff all the MS patients told me they've been through while I was getting steroid infusions. I don't want that life!

I fought so hard to overcome adrenal fatigue. I have been so good at eating right, taking supplements, exercising and doing everything possible to be healthy. It doesn't feel fair that I have to fight this stupid MS for life!

I am fierce and I will fight.

I won't be labeled: "She's the woman with MS...she used to be so active, poor thing." I don't want people to treat me differently, look at me differently or exclude me from things because they think I shouldn't or couldn't.

One friend told me she saw me carrying my four-year-old child and was mad that I wasn't "taking it easy." That just made me angry. I will carry my child until I absolutely can't. I don't want to be told what I can't do.

I can.

I may have MS, but MS doesn't have me.


5 comments:

  1. Your attitude is awesome. You are so very right. MS doesn't get to win. You do.
    PS. MS makes you very emotional. So does the steroids. It's like PMS on well... steroids. lol. So don't give yourself too much flack for crying. Sometimes it's just the MS.

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  2. If I know you at all, MS will never have you. And since I rarely if ever cry, we should get together. Between the two of us we'll have a healthy balance of crying.

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  3. Atta girl. I know next to nothing about MS, but I do know about getting a life-changing diagnosis and all the mourning that comes with it. It's devastating to feel that everything you thought you were or could ever be has been taken from you — but it doesn't have to turn out that way. Because you already know this, you are WAY ahead of the curve. The life you want is still out there, and the person you will become is infinitely better than the previously unchallenged version of yourself. Go get 'em.

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  4. Pam, I have always admired your strength and beauty. When the going gets tough the tough get going. You are even strong enough to cry! That is a really good thing.
    It stinks and it does seem so unfair, but the devil has met his match. I am so rooting for you and for your family (and sending lots of love and prayers). You are simply amazing and I love that you decided to be the one who decides how this is going to progress. Carry your children all day long, do all that you want, it is your life!

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  5. I still can't believe the diagnosis actually happened for you. It just doesn't fit. Maybe that's because it's a diagnosis and not an identity... you are not MS, nor will you ever be defined by it. YOU are amazing and from knowing you all these years, I know that nothing can stop you! Thank you for your bravery, courage and inspiration!!! Love you so much!

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