Permission to Cross Things Off Your List

A blog devoted to over-achiever parents:
 http://elfontheshelfideas.com

A trendy new Christmas tradition for parents with young children has popped up. It involves purchasing a doll and book called The Elf on the Shelf. Apparently, this all-seeing-elf doll keeps an eye on kids during the daylight hours and flies home every evening to Santa Claus to report how each child is behaving. Someone came up with yet another way for parents to bribe kids (or scare them, perhaps?) into behaving like perfect little angels so come Christmas morning they will score more loot from St. Nick.

Creative parents even orchestrate scenes filled with intrigue, humor or mystery involving  their family elf. At recess on the days before winter break kids will talk about what their individual Christmas spies did that morning. It is the new thing. Conversation starters like, "How do you think my elf got into the fridge," or "What did your elf bring you," or "Is your elf a boy or a girl?" are heard in elementary schools all over our city.

A mom friend at work recently asked me if I participate in the Elf on the Shelf tradition at my house. She wasn't pressuring me, just gauging how committed I am to keeping up on the trends. After I told her I can barely keep up with my Tooth Fairy duties, she confessed how many times she has woken up in a state of panic that her kids would wake to an elf that had not moved. She lived in fear that neither she nor her husband had moved the cherubic goody two shoes the night before…and wished, out loud, that she had never caved in to getting one.

No one should ever be in a panic over moving a doll or anything else that isn't truly an emergency. In fact, I copied a quote on a Post-It™ years ago to which I refer to when things get hectic, or when my nine-year-old asks why we don't have an Elf on the Shelf.

"Reduce life down to what's precious and the necessary. In a world of complexity, the best weapon is simplicity."

Learning to reduce is a challenge. Asking yourself what is precious and what is necessary frequently presents a tough choice. However, those tough choices become easier with time. I rarely choose an outside activity on a weeknight after a day at the office when I can instead spend time with my family. Spending time with family always takes precedence.

At the end of your life, are you really going to feel bad if you didn't try every recipe you pinned on Pinterest? Are you going to wish you had handmade more neighbor gifts for every holiday? Will you pine over all the stuff you never had?

As the New Year kicks off, think of the most important things, not just things to add to your "stuff to do" checklist. Whether eliminating things like the Elf on the Shelf, or not participating in every activity to which you're invited (whether you want to go or not), start thinking about what's precious and what's necessary and wield your sword of simplicity proudly.

End-of-Year Review

Doing a year-end review is eye-opening. Loads of wonderful things happened in 2012:

The toddler was successfully potty trained.

We took a fun family vacation to Tucson and Phoenix, Arizona for spring break.

My best friend from childhood visited me and we spent a weekend at Snowbird, including a day at the Cliff Spa.

Our family travelled to Chicago for two weeks.

I started running and triathlon training again and competed in my first triathlon after adrenal fatigue.

I painted a lot more and started sharing my art with people on this blog.

My sweet daughter was baptized a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

I ran my first 10K and half marathon.

My parents celebrated 50 years of marriage and I celebrated 19 years of marriage. 

Oh, and I was fired from my job on April 9, 2012.

Of all the things that happened in 2012, getting fired has been the biggest catalyst. 

I haven't written about getting fired because I was so upset and frustrated. I didn't want to write in anger and appear bitter or vindictive. But, I was both of those things for a long time. The crazy thing about getting let go is that it completely minimizes you. In my case I had no warning and was completely blindsided when I had worked so hard to show my employers how much I wanted to help the company succeed. In the end, though, I wasn't enough...and that's what devastated me. 

Now, though, I can look back and see all the beautiful things getting fired taught me. 

• Getting close to your kids and husband is fulfilling and joyful
• Nurturing talents feeds your soul in a lasting way 
• Personal value is deeper than your career or job
• Meetings are overrated and more often than not—unnecessary
• Focusing on your blessings and helping others will always help you feel happy

Although I wouldn't wish that on anyone, I am grateful for the lessons I've learned about life, about human nature and about what's really important. I'm ready now and looking forward to the lessons of 2013.

Writing or Art?

When I was a teenager, my sister Nanette gave me a book I can't get out of my head. What has stuck with me most from Me: Stories of My Life by Katharine Hepburn was the advice her father gave her in a letter he sent her for her 21st birthday, "try to do one thing well—utilizing the experience of all preceding life and your own wit."

Since then, I've wondered, just what is my "one thing" and how will I know that's the thing to try to do well? I've done a lot of things, but I still ask myself that question.

My husband recently told me that he thought my real talent was watercolor, not writing. So, I ask...for those of you who have read my blog and seen my art. Which is it?

If you've had similar questions and found the answer, I'd love to hear how you figured things out.

In the meantime, here is something I've written that I'm proud of:

Power beyond words

By Pamela Baumeister

Music was Rachel de Azevedo Coleman’s whole life. Growing up in Utah as number five in a musical family of nine, Rachel was surrounded by it. Her father, Lex de Azevedo, was the music director for acts such as the Jackson Five special, “The Sonny & Cher Show” and “The Dick Van Dyke Show.” He gained fame locally, writing the music for “Saturday’s Warrior.” Rachel, never in the spotlight until after high school, sang and wrote music for her band while expecting her first child, Leah.

“I used to joke that wouldn’t it just be my luck to have a kid that was tone deaf,” Rachel says of her pregnancy. Little did she know that her baby would never hear her mother speak, let alone sing and play the guitar.

Shortly before Rachel and her husband, Aaron, moved to Los Angeles to be close to her sister, Emilie de Azevedo Brown, the couple started noticing something strange about Leah. Women at the grocery store would invariably stop and say “hi” to the adorable tot. At 14 months, Leah would lift her eyebrows, smile and open her mouth. But, no air or sound would come out.

Leah was deaf.

Rachel and Aaron mourned, but they weren’t defeated.

“There was nothing wrong for her. She wasn’t ‘missing out’ — we realized that we needed to learn something new. Maybe we needed to learn to be like her,” Rachel relates.

Signs of progress

The couple learned sign language quickly. So did Leah, who also learned to read at age 2. However, Rachel noticed there were times when Leah was left out.

When Leah was 4 years old and in soccer, Rachel noticed, “The hearing kids in our community were going a different way.” A boy on Leah’s team didn’t want Leah as his partner. She couldn’t “talk or understand” him. Rachel knew things wouldn’t improve.

Taking action, she went to the boy’s preschool and volunteered at story time. She read books and taught the children a few simple signs. At the next soccer practice, the boy signed ‘friend,’ ‘play,’ ‘ball.’ A few signs bridged the gap and, Rachel says, “changed the course of my deaf daughter’s life.”

Through Emilie’s encouragement, the sisters started Two Little Hands Productions, making videos of songs and signs. This was the beginning of “Signing Time,” a show that teaches sign language through music to kids and parents all over the world. The sisters started the venture with next to nothing.

“I was on WIC — we had Social Security — we were scraping by. We couldn’t even pay our rent. I had no idea that we’d be on PBS … I thought if I make these videos, that will change Leah’s world. When Emilie and I did our first video, we didn’t have a loan and now we have a successful, nationally recognized business,” Rachel marvels.

Miraculous sign

Rachel and Aaron decided to have another child. They soon found out that the fetus had water on the brain caused by spina bifida.

“We thought ‘Why us? We don’t even know anything about spina bifida!’” Rachel stopped herself when she realized she felt the same way when they learned Leah was deaf. “Maybe it is the same and there’s nothing wrong — it’s just different than we expected.”

Rachel and her unborn daughter underwent in-utero surgery to repair baby Lucy’s spine. Nine months after a successful birth, Lucy was diagnosed with cerebral palsy.

“They told us that she was retarded. She would lie on her back and stare — she couldn’t use her body in any way,” remembers Rachel.

Rachel wrote a song when Lucy was two called “Show Me A Sign.” It was her prayer for Lucy to prove the doctors wrong. Shortly after that song was written, Lucy signed “more.”

“I was stunned. After another nine months, she learned to speak. And now she speaks and signs and happens to be in a wheelchair. She is an inspiration to other kids. She gets 100 percent on her spelling tests and is in every ‘Signing Time’ show.”

One language

Rachel’s drive to make a difference in the lives of her children is now changing lives worldwide.

Rachel, Aaron, Leah and Curry Jones, the founder of non-profit Signs of Hope International, traveled to Ghana, Africa, to teach sign language to a school for deaf children. Rachel and Curry went again for a national conference.

“There’s a social stigma for deaf children, even among the educators. Having Rachel there was an ‘a-ha’ moment for them. They realized — after she got up, spoke and sang — that maybe the deaf can learn,” says Curry. ‘Signing Time’ videos are now used in the deaf school. Curry says of the people Rachel touched by sharing herself and her vision, “The children and teachers think, ‘If this American movie star can sign, so can we.’” She has created a paradigm shift for that area of Africa and it’s spreading.

Curry goes to Africa four or five times a year with Signs of Hope International.

“They talk about Rachel every time. She made quite an impression.”

“I refuse to let my circumstances have me.”

Rachel’s “honesty and candor and her willingness to share this personal experience with people has been not only a tremendous coping tool (for her), but also a tremendous gift (for others),” shares Emilie.

“As women and mothers, we are in a great position to make a difference. We can easily use our circumstances as an excuse to not do what we’ve got the potential to do. I’m sure I have a get-out-of-jail-free card for being depressed and saying ‘my life is really hard.’ I just have circumstances that I don’t expect — but who doesn’t?” muses Rachel.

Emilie says, “She is just like you and me — a woman trying to hold it all together. All the while, she is absolutely committed to changing the world.” 

Here is something I've painted that I'm proud of:

I have several other paintings and drawings posted to this blog, if you feel that you need more to go on for a judgment. Where do you think my talent lies? I won't be offended with your judgment, I just need more than my husband's opinion to consider. I probably won't stop doing either one, but I'll likely focus my efforts on one.

Thanks for your help!

Getting Back Into Running Shape

Battling a head and chest cold for the last two weeks hasn't helped my training. In fact, it felt like I had fallen off the wagon until recently. This morning I did a 30 minute run. I made the daunting realization I have a ways to go before I'm in tri shape.

My coach said that I'd be surprised by how much I'll improve if I work on my weakest event the most. I'm shooting for better times on my run portion of my triathlons, so I've been working mostly on my running through the winter.  I'm excited (and working towards) for a four to seven minute overall improvement.  That would be a nice surprise (and get me on the podium, too).

If you've been out of the loop in your running for more than a month, start slow. Here's how I've done it the first week:

1. Day 1: Run for 10-15 minutes, keeping good form (leaning from the hips, keeping arms consistently bent at a 90 degree angle, or less, by your sides, pushing both your elbows and heels back). Speed walk one minute and run one minute after the initial push for another 15 minutes. Cool down by speed walking and gradually slowing down. Stretch.
2. Day 2: This should be at least a day or two after your first run/walk. Run for 15-20 minutes with good form. Speed walk one minute and run one minute after the initial push for another 10 minutes. Cool down by speed walking and gradually slowing down. Stretch.
3. Day 3: This should be at least a day or two after your second run/walk.  Run for 15-20 minutes with good form. Speed walk one minute and run one minute after the initial push for another 10 minutes. Cool down by speed walking and gradually slowing down. Stretch.

I try this on a course where I know the distance. A outdoor track would be good, or use MapMyRun, so you know your distance. If you have a fancy GPS/watch combo (I'd love the Forerunner 310XT from Garmin because it can be used in the water and on your bike), you can track your distance and pace for work on later. I find it very beneficial to write down how fast you're able to run your route, so you can work on improving that time.

In between days, I do a yoga. It's the perfect complement to running because it stretches all those muscles you use during running. It also helps you with concentration through discomfort...which is a big part of why running is tough. You'll see fewer injuries if you can work in yoga into the mix of your training. 

Extra Running Tips:

• I like running without anything plugged into my ears. The sound of my feet hitting the ground, my breathing and nature or my neighborhood helps me get into a meditative zone that makes running more bearable.
• While running, I talk to myself — in my head. If a muscle gets cranky, or my knee/shin/hip starts to complain a little, I'll tell that knee/shin/hip that it's doing a great job and working hard and how much I appreciate it. I got that idea from an old running partner who was a Scientologist. It always works for me.

8 Things Losing Taught Me

I'm a loser. I played right wing for a perpetually losing girls' field hockey team in junior high and high school. We were the Eagles, but we might as well have been the Beagles because we dogged it every game. We never won. We tied a few times. My entire field hockey career was filled with one failure after the next.

I don't remember the final scores for those games (except that we had fewer points, if any, than the other team). Losing felt bad then, but it taught me a lot about myself, life, and work.

1. If you're prepared, you still might bomb. 
2. Embarrassment isn't forever. 
3. Laughter goes a long way to make you feel better.
4. Yelling at your teammates won't improve their skills or your relationship.
5. If you miss a shot, there's always another try and another and another.
6. Working hard and sweating a lot makes you feel great about yourself even if you don't win.
7. Playing outside does wonders for your mood.
8. True friends still like you even after you lose.

Winter (Outdoor) Running Made Easy

Here in Utah, it's chilly for about half the year. That makes continued training for triathlons kind of sketchy. I'm too much of a wuss to ride my bike in the snow and ice. Low temperatures and disgusting inversion smog make running outdoors somewhat daunting, too.

My coach Wes Johnson told me if I train through the winter, I'd be surprised how much time I'd take off when the triathlon season comes around again. He also told me to work on my weakest event during the winter. My weakest event is running. As much as I struggle with loving to run, I struggle even more when it involves a treadmill. The best part of running is moving through a neighborhood or on a quiet mountain path. Treadmill running doesn't lead you anywhere but on a sweaty, pounding monotonous journey to the check mark on your to-do list.

Here are two things I've found to make running outdoors in winter a bit easier:

PodRunner

This is a free download from iTunes that makes you run faster and maintain a consistent cadence. Each mix has about two minutes of the creator, Steve Boyett, talking about the mix —how fast it is (bpm) and why he chose it, but once you get past that, you'll be running at a good clip for up to an hour. I usually cut out at about 30-40 minutes because I'm typically strapped for time. Some mixes are better than others, so you kind of have to experiment. On the site you'll find  both great interval training podcasts and steady state podcasts.  Overall, it's a great way to train if you run by yourself. Make sure you pay attention and don't turn it up too load if you're running on city streets.

Cuddl Duds

Although the company touts these leggings and long sleeve shirts as a great base layer, I like them for running. If it's not too cold, you can wear them alone. The shirts have thumb holes which help to keep your hands toasty whether you wear gloves or not. Plus, the neck is cut higher than most running shirts, so your neck stays warm, too. The leggings are soft, breathable and uber-comfy.

Shirts and Legging: $28

Where to buy: Available at JC Penney, Kohl’s or online at www.cuddlduds.com


Disclaimer: Cuddl Duds has not paid me to endorse their product.


Other things that help? A goal to work towards. On my vision board, I have the words, "take 15 minutes off final time" for my sprint triathlons this season. The only way I'll be able to do that is by working on getting better and faster at running. I've got to learn how to work around the snow/smog/rain to get better.

Making it Stick: Resolutions that Last

A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
-  Author Unknown

When each New Year starts, do you think up a long list of resolutions? Do those resolutions ever come true?

I'm a list maker. I write everything down. A lot of people use their mobile devices or computers to keep track of things they need to get done. Not me. I like seeing my own handwriting with goals and to-do's  written in each page of my planning journal. This January, I made this vision board. I've done vision boards before, but this year is different. I'm writing down my goals associated with each item on my board. This way, I can both look at the pictures, words, and my own handwritten processes to get there.

Every new year is a time of hope and expectation. If you have dreams to make things happen this 2011, here’s a formula to reach this year's goals. I've borrowed here from the inspiring mind of Zig Ziglar.

1.    Write it down. Record that goal on paper. (I added another visual element with a vision board.)
2.    Put a date on it.  Record when you’ll complete or accomplish the goal.
3.    List the obstacles in your way for completing your goal.
4.    Identify those people or groups you need to work with to accomplish your goal.
5.    Spell out a plan of action to reach the goal.
6.    Ask yourself, “What’s in it for me?” Identify and define the benefits of reaching this goal. (Put those pictures and words of the end result on your vision board. Those images can be very motivating.)

Zig says, “If you know the formula, you’ll reach the goal.” I believe him. We have the whole year before us. Reaching for a worthy goal can be a life-changing experience. Start it now.

Value of Restraint

“Speak when you are angry - and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter 

I've thought a lot about this concept. I've been guilty of shooting off my mouth (or an email) when I'm angry. My last post written to Home Depot was done after the heat of anger had cooled. But, it still comes off as maybe a bit more harsh than it should have been. However, I still got the result I was looking for: awareness and a reaction from Home Depot themselves. 


Since I'm in a career that is largely in the public eye, I deal with a lot of complaints. Women are not shy about voicing their frustrations and disappointments. I can type in the word "disappointment" in my search window in my email client and find at least four or five emails from women who were disappointed in something I was a part of — an ad that ran in the magazine for which I run, a shirt that didn't fit or a detail that was omitted from a story that the reader felt was vital. In many cases, I had to make a judgment call and knew I'd make at least a few people frustrated.


When you're in the heat of anger, though, rattling off an email or calling to rant at the offender about how disappointed you are often comes back to bite you. 


The other day I received two nasty, angry emails. I calmly replied that I'd see what I could do to resolve the situation, then separately called both parties. In both cases, I was met with chagrin.


One person said, "I'm sorry. I probably should have waited to send that [email] to you. Now that I look at the situation, I realize it's no big deal."


I think we can all learn a lesson in restraint. When you're angry. Wait.


Wait some more.


Then, think as you write your letter or email to the person with which you're angry. Think about what you want to say to them before you say it. Then wait some more before sending it or saying it. Re-read what you write aloud and determine if it's worth sending. You'll save yourself a lot of regret and shame if you handle yourself with restraint. 


The old adage "an ounce of prevention" certainly applies in these cases. I certainly appreciate it when I'm on the receiving end of someones disappointment.

How to Negotiate Like a Girl

My husband says girls can’t throw. We throw like sissies, he says. Adding insult to injury, most men are such naturals that the only way they can throw like a girl is to use the “wrong hand.” It looks awkward and is inefficient at delivering the ball with speed and accuracy.

He’s right. I admit I throw like a girl. First off, I am a girl, and sadly, no one taught me to throw until I was an adult. However, powerful negotiation is one of those skills you don’t have to learn in youth. Learn how to be an excellent negotiator and you’ll feel as exhilarated as a little leaguer pitching a no-hitter.

Begin to negotiate like a powerful girl and create win-win situations for everyone involved. Begin with the basics and you’ll become a successful negotiator.

Emotion vs. Logic
One essential to negotiating is putting emotions in check. Workplace consultant and Work911.com creator Robert Bacal says as we become more emotional, we lose the ability to think clearly. The more we state facts and eliminate emotional judgments, the more we “maintain control,” counsels Bacal.
Let’s say you want a raise. To negotiate effectively, you have to prepare by knowing your subject and seeing things from all sides. Often, that means becoming a mini expert, learning more about it than your boss—a position of power. Here’s how you can.

1. Assess out how much of a raise you want. Research what others with your job earn, how often they receive raises, whether they get bonuses, and how their benefits structured. You are now armed to defend, with more logic than emotion, your increased salary.
2. Explain why you deserve a raise. Point out what you have done for the company, what you plan to do, and what your unique skills are. Quantify what you’ll give and what the raise is worth to the company. Reminded your boss he can’t live without you.
3. State when you want that bump in salary, putting yourself in the shoes of your boss. Consider your timing. Observe ahead of time what is happening in the company and what kind of resistance you may experience. Request your raise when you’ve just received a favorable review, a ringing client endorsement, or another job offer.

Women’s Intuition
Now that you’ve done your homework, you’re on your way to successful negotiation. Yet, don’t expect negotiation nirvana. You’ll probably still be nervous. However, when the stakes are high and your heart starts pounding, that’s the time to listen to your instincts and go with your gut. Remember, you’ve got feminine intuition–use it! Here’s how:

1. Play dress-up. You can usually better identify with your audience by dressing similarly. If you have a boss that is part of the “old boy’s club,” be a girl and wear your heels and a classy skirt or dress with a sport coat. Do not break out the cleavage card. It’s never professional.
2. Wear your “big-girl panties.” Stick to what you want. You are your own best ally. If you waver, you show that you don’t care about getting what you’re requesting. Write down what you want to happen, rehearse it and be prepared with evidence to support. Be prepared for an unfavorable response, though. Whatever happens, determine to be strong.
3. Use the perfect blend of sugar and spice. Friendliness and likeability will take you much further than you think. However, being sugary-sweet will turn most bosses or prospect off and appear fake. According to Tim Sanders, author of The Likeability Factor, “realness” will help you more than adopting false, unnatural traits.
4. Say what you want, then, zip it. After you’ve presented your case, ask for what you want. Making firm eye contact, state your monetary request, and promptly shut up! Don’t justify or explain. The pressure is now on the boss. Let him squirm. The moment you open your mouth to explain, your credibility is gone. When the answer is given, you may have to concede a bit, but now’s not the time. Know how low you are willing to drop, but don’t go there right away.

In summary, trust yourself and your talents. You will become better at negotiating when you practice. Find opportunities to hone your skills. High-priced boutiques or farmers’ markets are fun places to practice. You’ll find yourself more confident and in tune with your instincts. Stay firm. And, maybe, throw underhand next time a guy is watching.
Note: This post is an article I wrote for Wasatch Woman magazine in March/April 2008

Quit asking for permission

She didn't ask for permission and look what she created.

My mother rarely flips out. She's stable and amazingly cool-headed. That's phenomenal when you consider she had nine kids. I would like to be more like her — the cool-headed part, not the nine kids part. The one time I remember her getting on my case was when she said something to the effect of, "Do I have to tell you everything that needs to be done around here?" I was a teenager and probably could have helped out around the house more. I think she must have reached a breaking point. She was tired of always having to ask her kids to vacuum, sweep, dust, pick up after themselves, etc.

Why weren't we taking the initiative? Why didn't we see that things needed to be done and do them? Why do most kids have to be told to do things? Most kids aren't that motivated. Motivation stops beyond things that they need or things that have a tangible reward. Sadly, many adults are that same way. Somehow they have to have instructions or an invitation to do something.

Why is it that so many adults refuse to do anything outside their job description —or worse— are too afraid to do anything that might be outside their scope? Maybe it's a combination of fear and laziness. What about people who are afraid someone else will get the credit? How about those that need permission in order to get through their day? Doesn't the lure of possibly achieving overwhelmingly positive results appeal to people anymore or is this world becoming a place where mediocrity comes standard?

I'm not advocating absolute chaos and mutiny in the workplace. But, having an independent thought outside the way that things are traditionally done is a start.  What would the world be like if people did something they weren't paid to do or asked to do? Some might say that's the "going the extra mile" mantra. I say it's the "take some damned initiative" mantra. Who knows, if everyone just took a fraction more ambition in their lives something amazing could happen.

This blog was inspired by Linchpin by Seth Godin. If you're interested in becoming a person who stands out from the sea of people who need to have an instruction manual to do anything remarkable, read it. This book will rock your boat — that's a good thing.